Think I've lost my shopping mojo. Or my style. Perhaps I've become less materialistic? Or more stingy - Either way, have been feeling rather identity-less these days.

So it's the end of the year again. Sitting on a stool, the boys battling Gears of War III in the background - seems like any other day of the year. Aside from the mere four hours that marks, another end. Another passing of time. How was 2011? It's hard to recall. Patchy memories fill the brain. Beijing. My first trip with le andy eyes and the lovely Sarah & star. Korea. Where I came to know the healthy, innocent and fulfilling friendship of girlies at Hanyang amongst the crowd of lewd guys and rave parties. And most recently - just yesterday - my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and fiance of eight years. Eight years. Their marriage was set in March of 2012. I was to be maid of honor. Growth makes people change. And sometimes makes ugly things happen. It's been a year since I've seen the fam - miss them so! Putting my mind on buying that one way ticket back home, or is it now? In four months time I'll be done with my bachelors. The three years has almost gone by, wouldn't say swiftly, but in due time. Decision making time again. 

I've read somewhere that unless you write it down, it's not going to happen anytime soon. So here they are:

• exercise.
• read a book a month.
• write. 
• pray.
• get involved. 
• find & do what i love.

Goodbye eleven, Hello twenty-two. 

Feeling so utterly exhausted emotionally and physically yet there is an endless list of things to do. This month will be the death of me. Those tear drops won't stop welling. And there is this strain now.

To all the ladies: "I'm going to say something revolutionary: You are not your age, your weight, your hair, your skin or your clothes. You are not your favourite magazine's opinion of you, you're not what your ex-boyfriend thought of you or what your current boyfriend thinks you should be. You aren't any of that. It's that simple. Really." - Jen Stills

Now I know how to name my favourite colours.

Torquoise, orchid, sky, emerald, tangerine, salmon, gillyflower, cinnamon and wine. 

Funny how many thoughts run through my mind when I'm in the shower but when its time to put or preserve thoughts into writing then it all somehow runs off somewhere into the drains of the brain. Now to pick up the fragments. Was pondering how language, is the way for expression but also is what limits expression. Which partially explains why the train of my thoughts are usually a mixture of english and cantonese, and also incorporate un peu du francais and yi dian dian putonghua. Some expressions can be better said with "me gusta" versus "i really really really like..."

oh! went to this art gallery exhibition and was rather repulsed by an artist who decided to force down his interpretation of his drawing onto two girls - who were quite foolish - i would say - to inquire about the "meaning" behind a work. Art, in my honest opinion, should be open for personal interpretations instead of a limited circle of thought brought about by the artist. The "guide" certainly didn't point the two in the right direction by asking "Is there anything else you need interpreting".

Walked past the fruit stalls of Yaumatei today with le andy eyes and came across some stray cats. He had a bit of fun scuffling with it for a strip of plastic bag. In that moment, the future of a home with a little grey and white fur ball with le andy eyes playing with it like pops with pippin crept into my imagination. There is something about animals that make even the grownest of men act like little children which is absolutely adorable.

Then came the playground filled with screaming monsters and their maids and mothers. Recollection of my own students - whom now require less screaming to control - in fact it is the calm deadly negotiating tone which works! Made me a little driven away from motherhood but a life is so precious in a way that maybe a daughter would be quite nice. Although, ofcourse, it is not for me to decide. And the thought of labor pains and other surgical procedures still make me blanche.

Was taking the night bus back to halls after tutoring today - finishes up at 9:30pm - when I got to thinking how, 30's is like the new 20's now... especially for women without children. Screaming at children for six hours straight every Saturday has certainly diminished my fear of public speaking - and is constantly reprimanding myself to act confident. No more hesitant/embarrassed laughter after an utterance of every phrase. No more weak, questioning, voice that is lacking in authority. Perhaps 30 is the age where you know where you stand as a person and where your interests, abilities lie. And then the 40's, 50's, 60' don't seem that bad after all. Especially if the skies are still blue and the fields are still golden.

New found interest: Pinterest
Have been getting so inspired lately by illustrations, photographers and fall outfits. Distractions, distractions from the things-to-be-done during reading week. Sigh...

Been really into colours plain and simple lately. Bought a pair of white shorts from Cotton On for hkd50 and a little cute black shoulder bag for hkd60. Plus a pale pink sweater-ish v-neck top from madico for hkd29!! Planning to get the deep blue tomorrow if there are still sizes in s.

Feeling like bubbles floating in an enclosed room lately. Not willing to come down to reality just yet, or ever.

Currently sitting in class when I came across this photo on Nujin's Facebook and suddenly recall having this same revelation yesterday when playing a game with a name to the likes of "Where's the problem?" with my little student Hinki yesterday. The rules were simple: Show the child photos of odd images and have them point out what is "wrong". Photos of tables with human legs, birds flying upside down, and raining umbrellas were shown, and I was thinking how inspirational these were until it came to me that this is how society is limiting creativity - telling children that imagination is a problem. And the ones who don't listen to convention are the ones who make a statement... but if we weren't so constricted with our views, wouldn't we feel less inhibited when expressing ourselves? Less afraid to say what is "wrong" in terms of what is the norms. Less likely to laugh at others who think differently than the stereotype. Just an idea. Like raining umbrellas.

Suddenly feeling so motivated and excited for what awaits me in life despite rolling on less than 5 hours of sleep and a migraine. Seems like an answer to a prayer - perhaps it is! But hearing about the A&M's island campus on Corpus Christi with its Fine Arts and Art History programme from my sister is giving my body a tingly-ticklish energetic feeling. I'm able to glimpse a little sun and beach, paint and canvas, familiar faces and ... ambition. How funny we little human beings are, that a sense of purpose is enough to drive us, to motivate us into accomplishing things (reference letters, letters of intent - piece of cake!). Maybe motivation is how we take after and resemble our Creator.

While I adore Nicole Richie's smart casual style, she sounds quite a bit like an airhead (from what I've read from Magazine interviews). Personality aside, her sense of fashion is quite appropriate for petites.  Plus it seems very comfortable and looking good is a factor of feeling good.

Revisted the old Fanling Wai of my childhoods today and chanced upon Mukeh's two younger siblings. The grey buildings seemed more warm with a dying beauty when graced by the warm glows of the setting sun.

A quickie: You know how 'vintage' has become trendy nowadays? And it never used to be the thing before. I wonder, is it because we have become wrapped into so much mass production that products and objects have lost their culture, meaning, elegance.

A quickie: You know how 'vintage' has become trendy nowadays? And it never used to be the thing before. I wonder, is it because we have become wrapped into so much mass production that products and objects have lost their culture, meaning, elegance.

Destination list:
1. Kuching (East Malaysia)

Destination list:
1. Kuching (East Malaysia)

Today I picked up the phone to hear THE company (aside from the learning centre at MK) inquire upon whether it was possible to arrange an interview. Sadly, the teaching contract on the other end (learning centre at SW) has been signed... hesitating about the marketing contract tom. REALLY really considering calling them back tomorrow and taking on the position. Funny how it's either all or nothing, but then life doesn't let you plan. Recently been enjoying a lot of Bruno Mars and Owl City... and making pictures that make people think. Used to scoff when professors say that contemporary art is all about causing a commotion, but hey, that's the only way to make one recognized. Stand out from the crowd, so to say. But of course, one does not go about doing that, just for the sake of doing that (Lady Gaga is prime not-example) - it's got to be a sort of feeling, or passion. Lately, pretty pictures no longer intrigue me, neither do the making of conventional, aesthetically pleasing portraits. Striving more towards, queer, out-of-the-ordinary. Unfortunately, it's rather hard to secure models nowadays - everybody is so busy. And self-conscious.

Noticed I've been using a lot of "I"'s in the facebook-sphere and daily conversations, don't like how I'm becoming so self centered. Would like to back off a bit. Also on the verge of giving up on the GRE, did the reading comprehension practice the other day and only managed to get half of it. Oh! And cleaned two fans today, which surprisingly makes me feel more accomplished than anything else I've been doing lately. Cleanliness always puts me in such a fresh mood. Now for a soul cleansing...

Feels good to just let the words flow.

I think I'm onto something big here...

"I like you" - it's the first time I've heard this phrase used this sort of setting. In an interviewer to interviewee setting. For once, I feel like THE candidate, although in reality I am barely holding it together underneath the surface. "You are fun, and bubbly". Perhaps, in this casual, creative yet over-achieving environment, is the place for me. The cross hanging around his neck was rather hard not to notice.

Everyday, I happen upon so many photo-worthy moments but, alas, I do not have my camera with me. Thoughts keep churning, yet no time is taken to write it down. Would like to make it a point to blog and photograph more. Oh, and prep for that GRE exam.

Mr. Teddy Bear Azreen sat next to me on the tour bus, skimming through my mediocre photography homework. Every now and then he would exclaim, "you're an artist! you're an artist!". He is too kind.

The other day I walked past a typical round, ponytail-ed house wife with an i-could-care-less attitude wearing a oversized purple tee with the words "Post-modernity" in blue. Gave me a little chuckle as I was hurrying to the green minibus stop for the source of my income - tutorials for two adorable girls.

Apart from being a fine game, Tetris is also a perfect mirror of the human condition. For a while the game is entertaining, and we seem to have mastered it and are having fun. Then, something goes wrong — a rash mistake, or an unfulfilled wish, and we’re fighting to repair the damage, but we’ve been thrown off-balance, and everything is piling up. Blocks that were once orderly and harmonious are jumbled and filled with holes, and our cup is on the verge of running over. There’s always a point at which we stop planning for the future, and realize that we don’t have one — all we can do is cling to the present and concentrate, focus our minds on what it’s like to be alive, to play the game, before it’s all over.

You were waiting for a four-by-one block that never came.

Sometimes we resist to the bitter end, moving blocks left and right without thought or care, just to hang on, and sometimes we accept the inevitable and pull the blocks down to us, smiling inwardly at the great joke. The rest is silence.

PMS + By Myself Tonight

Probably explains why I am feeling extremely emotional today. Together with the fact that one of my bestfriends (aka boyfriend) is not in Hong Kong and I met up with a dinner fellowship my lovely Taiwan ladies-slash-(purple)mommies for the last time and Claire Face for 5 hrs and 30 minutes! Totally feels not enough - and although it was very kind of her parents to treat me to lunch/tea (drank a record-breaking 3 cups of iced lemon tea and one green tea cream frappuccino today!) and absolutely lovely to climb up to Tao Fung Shan with her mother - we didn't have much time for a good, girl-talk! Also, apparently, storing one's SD card in one's wallet while the camera is at the repairs is NOT a good idea. Mine's been chipped and, although it incredulously works while taking photos, there is no way for me to transfer my photos from my camera to the computer today (Including the ones I promised to send back to with Claire)!! Goodness, is this a sign that photography and I are not meant to be? 

Back to the topic on the absence of Andy. He's been off to Macau and Cheung Muk Tau since Wednesday with his classmates and since I made an appointment to try out a new tutoring job on Friday and didn't want to change it lest I make a bad impression, decided to join him Friday afternoon with his lovely mum afterwards. Not a fan of hanging out with his friends anyway. Was really tempted to go clubbing one of these nights since he's not around to ground me (and hey! Why does he get to stay up all late with his friends and I must be a good little girl and lock myself in my tiny depressive hole?) but thought better of it as: 1. don't want to oversleep for said new tutorial job and 2. for some reason i have this recurring sensation in the back of my mind of how hurt he would be if when he finds out. It's funny to think how far this relationship has gone when it first began with annoying five hour talks which obliterated my sleep schedule, flinging away held hands and those more than enough four-dates-a-month. Two and a half days, piece of cake. Time for me to catch up with my girlfriends, go to fellowship, catch up on some non-sociology readings, party to celebrate the beginning of Seoul, floral summer dresses and the Great Wall. Without a skinny white monkey trying to stick my fingers up HIS  nostrils. Bellowing into my ears all the time. Scratching my already itchy and bulging mosquito bites. Ordering me to pick up his socks (which I still refuse to do). Then see me now, with a faucet for a nose, wishing for another dose of our daily late-night phone calls. The idiocracy of it all is indeed very, very amusing - if only I were not the subject. Ha. 

Curious how Claire constantly wanted to converse in Cantonese while I was desperate to have a normal conversation in English! At one point of our "hike" to Tao Fung Shan I remember her squealing as she rushed to her mother's side, "Mummy, your bag looks very heavy, do you want me to carry it for you?". While we were sipping our buy-one-get-one-free Frapps at Starbucks, after she gave up trying to persuade her mum to allow her to work part-time during the semester, "Well when I graduate, I'll pay back all the money you've lent me - no - my money will be your money!". Recalling our conversation in her green jeep regarding churches and peoples... to our bra-buying expeditions and "no-longer" interest in low-quality and cutesy clothing. Rarely have I met anyone so like-minded! (My sister and I are an unbeatable pair but we are nearly polar opposites!). Our short encounter led to a sent email to my dearest mummy regarding my fickle plans for the future. I've always had the "responsibility", or burden so to say, to provide the best for my family, even considering undertaking law and medical fields to support them financially in their missions work as I feel that my calling is more behind the scenes than frontal (short missions aside). Confusion and lack of direction is another thing, I am beginning to doubt if my passion is in fine arts, and if so, then will I be not utilizing what I am capable of? Or perhaps I have just not realized my interest in medicine and the like? Another worry thats been slipping in and out of my brain lately is, what do I do after graduation? Masters, when academics is still fresh in mind? Work for experience - if I do immediately pursue a post-grad in fine arts I would not enter the work-force until I am 25! Location matters, too. 

Luckily, I have a whole lot of mummy and non-mummy figures giving me advice! (and prayers!) 

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” 

- Ernest Hemmingway

10hkd find from the flower market street of mong kok. 

I don't think reality shows really express the reality.

- comment on the article "How Addiction Turned Me Into a High-Flying Hooker on Jezebel.com

Nor do police statistics on teenage pregnancy, or the evening news on burglaries of family heirlooms with no monetary value, news of a friend's passing by word-of-mouth. Reality is experienced - it's bitterness tasted through tongue buds, stark colors flash through the filter of our eyes, cutting edge of tin cans felt through finger tips... and the warmth of grass and sunlight wriggling through our toes.

Emotionally Exhausted

Tea times are the favorite part and meal of my day. Sadly, they're coming to a close in tune with the semester. Unstable is what I currently am. All these choices or lack thereof... for me to paint my future with. A barrage of verbatim seems to be at bay but somehow I cannot find the release button. Saturday marks one of my most significant decisions ever... So does the rest of this summer. Will I decide to pave the path to a career I no longer intend to go on? Or save some money and prep for where I believe my passion lies? Fly off? Decisions, decisions... Then again there are always strings tying me back - accommodation, relations, finance. Oh, how I would love to see the sunny fields and tie-dyed skies once again.

Sushi Cravings

Haven't had 50% off sushi for so long, so long. 

It was gooooood and worth the 45 minute wait.

(we were first in line, yay!)

This is adorable! 

Lovely toothpick holder

I was just telling the boy during the dinner how I loved his silly old Nikon COOLPIX 5200 - the one which has a rubber band wrapped around to prevent the battery from falling out. It's helped me to lean not on high technology or the clear quality and instead focus on composition, lighting, the parts instead of the whole, and "the" moment to make good pictures and capture the perky things slash moments in life. Anyway, wandering through the colorful floral clothing racks of H&M this evening, waiting for the boy to finish discussing his project, the idea of balance came to mind. It is so hard to find balance in most everything. Take clothing for example. For the thrifty but purposeful shopper, one has to consider the cutting - is the cutting favorable? the style - is it a staple item or a trend? the price - reasonable? and quality. Four factors for one piece of clothing, no wonder girls can go round and round in hours! What about the more important things in life?  

Quick update before I go off to have evening dim sum with le boyfriend!

Transitioning stage. Currently fantasizing about having my "own" place, life after the bachelors and being free from the obligations of these four concrete walls. Yesterday I made hearts out of dollar bills with Rosemary, what a lovely name! If I ever have a daughter, I would like to name her Rosemary.

All photos from: prettyspace.tumblr.com

Not too much into the pure-white scene.
Besides, little pops of color makes a cheerful space :)

I think I'm in love...

Isn't it the cutest thing ever?

Feeling jittery and hyper after a very fulfilling tea-time dim sum with my cute little popo and the very amicable ming yee and mark gor.

Hope my queer-eyed doll reaches the hand of an unfortunate child. 

And bring hope.

 God bless Japan.

Made a visit to one of the few artist village today, and, although it was deathly quiet except for the occasional black box theatre rehearsals, I enjoyed passing through the studios and admiring their exterior decor. The little patch of sunlit open space on the roof with grass tufts made me feel a little chirpier despite the emptiness of the space. But then when I think about it, I like emptiness and vast, open spaces. Space that seems to go on and on forever on a blank white canvas and envelopes you into their inviting embrace. Waiting for a motion to make a mark, draw a curve, paint a dot. While we were traversing this factory of studios, he wondered out loud how much would it cost to rent a space and transform it into our own wonderland where we are able to produce our own little novice works of art.

A rather creepy welcoming, but I adore it nonetheless!

Continuity.

Tree of steel.

Man-made nature. 

I remember these lining the walls of village houses from my childhood days. Half the time they were filled with colorful printed pamphlets.

Peeking.

The symmetry yet lack of symmetry,

Overheads are not empty and uninviting.

So adorable! Think I may need one?

Spring roll cans.

Fabric. The smell of lavender, the softness, the way it moves with the wind. Simply heavenly.

Said tufts of grass. I was so delighted.